She was my best friend, the kind that no matter how much time is spent together whether it be a day or a week, it’s not enough. It’s also the kind of friendship based on similar core values, the ability to keep precious secrets or share laughter over a silly memory or inside joke. It’s the kind of friendship that spans 50 years that include awkward teen years, leaving home, getting married, having children and suffering losses. 

We met in sixth grade but really didn’t hang out with one another or necessarily “do” things together since it was a fair walking distance between our childhood homes. Our friendship didn’t truly form and blossom until 8th grade when I was told Luann was home one summer day, acting all bored when her mother suggested that she “call that nice Susan Jewell…..” Her phone call changed the direction for both of us and little did I know, or her for that matter, the beautiful path we’d walk on for many years, only to become broken when we turned 40, repaired in our 60s and finally severed in 2019.

When I look back over our 50 years of friendship, I’m amazed at the experiences we shared. A few are:

• Being confirmed together in our Lutheran faith at the time
• Singing in the church choirs
• Attending church youth group together which included a trip to New York City when we were in high school
• Participating in Honors Choir in high school
• Participating in high school musical productions
• Double dating with our boyfriends (she married her high school sweetheart and so did I)
• Standing up for each other’s wedding (she did twice for me, more on that in another blog session)
• Writing and calling each other when she moved to Illinois for her husband to attend law school; I flew for my first time to visit them in June 1975
• Visiting them for Thanksgiving in their first home in Illinois after the birth of their first child
• My surprise visit to her in Peoria when she turned 40; I took our daughter with me who was 10 at the time, the same age as Luann’s daughter
• The loss of her parents, then eventually mine
• Short vacations at their family cottage on Lake Huron in our 60s
• Hard conversations in person….social media

Over the course of our early years of friendship, when I described our relationship to people I used to brag that “we never have had a fight or argue” and that really was true. Luann and I had SO much in common and her bubbly sweet personality didn’t give way to anger or being easily offended. Her infectious smile lit up her face and made the sparkle in her blue eyes shine bright as she giggled at almost everything that was said. Looking back, I think it was her defense mechanism to avoid confrontation. For her, I think people pleasing was far easier than taking a stand that might cause someone to feel uncomfortable. I don’t say this to be critical, rather I’m able to make a valid judgement based on my own observations and learning about behavior and boundaries in healthy relationships.

During the visit to surprise her for her 40th birthday, our relationship was strained followed by a brokenness that lasted for six months. When I returned home from that visit, I wrote to her apologizing for my part in a conversation that caused us to argue and not agree. It was six months until I heard from her in a letter back to me. She assured me that all was well after much self examination, but truth is, it was not. Phone calls and letters back and forth ceased. The only time I heard from her was a birthday card, Christmas and Easter cards. The years when our children were growing through middle and high school were pretty much silent. 

I can fast forward to the early 2000s and fondly recall one of our trips north to Mackinac Island. We had an out of state friend visiting that week and we were taking her to enjoy some island time with us. To enhance our drive, we drove the shoreline of Lake Huron which took us past the very driveway to Luann’s cottage. As we made our way north on the two lane highway, I kept my eyes peeled for their cottage sign at the end of the road. I was thrilled when I saw it, proof the original sign still stood boasting a new paint job to make its appearance bright and inviting. Seeing the sign stirred countless memories inside of me and I knew at once what I would do when I returned home…I would write to her. I would keep it simple and not bring up anything from our stormy or silent past. My card merely told her that we had driven past their cottage property and seeing it caused me to smile and think of her. My card was dropped in the mail and I waited for any response that may or may not happen.

Shortly after my brief note to her, I received a card from her. What a joy it was to open and read! She thanked me for writing to her and went on to give me several dates that they’d be at the cottage and “would love to see you and have you spend some time with us”….A trip to Mackinac Island opened the door for us to reestablish and explore our friendship. Visits with her happened for a few days each summer for the next three years. When her daughter was married, we made the trip to their home in Peoria and celebrated with their family and friends. We had occasions to have them in our home for short visits and I was thrilled when she and Brian made the long drive up to attend my father’s funeral.  

So, mending took place over those three years. I was able to ask for forgiveness and make my amends for past hurts, all of which were given with assurance “that all is good”. Walks along the lake shoreline made for perfect settings to dig deep below mere surface talk. Those conservations showed me how different our life paths had taken us, while still reflecting many similarities with a few red flags waving in our midst. I used those red flags to steer clear of creating anything that would cause another fracture to our friendship.

Enter social media. I’m not going to disclose exactly what happened other than to say that Facebook can be a good thing or it can be bad. For our friendship, at first it was perfect. It was an easy format to share photos of our families, post silly comments or mainly stay in touch. Our major turning point happened in 2016 and for the next three years teetered until we finally bottomed out in 2019 when Luann and Brian chose to sever our friendship. I refer to it as being “divorced” because of how it was done and the hurtful words behind their reasoning. When they both communicated with me separately, in written form, I allowed myself time to ponder and pray for a proper response. I did so in my own letter back to Luann and a separate letter to Brian. I made amends for any wrong on MY part and did not make any accusatory statements. My words were rooted from two sources 1) my own feelings and thoughts and 2) scripture to back or explain my core beliefs that both of them had challenged.

This was a difficult entry to write. Why? Luann was the only 50 plus years friendship I’ve had. We won’t grow old together. I’m not able to see her grandchildren grow. There’s no more opportunities for seeing photos. There are no more long walks on the shoreline of Lake Huron. No more cards on birthdays, Christmas and Easter. The death of our friendship was not of my choosing; I am living with the consequences of two people who have each embraced differing ideologies and Christian doctrine. I am content with my choices, my beliefs. I miss our friendship, I do not miss the red flags that warned me “don’t drift in and challenge that thought…” I can still see and remember those red flags that waved between us as we walked and talked along the shoreline. Now they serve as prayer reminders for me to lift my “old friends” for God’s will in their lives….and mine….whatever He has planned for us as we push towards our 70s, so be it. I am at peace. If God allows the red flags to be replaced by white ones, I am here living and waiting for His perfect will to be accomplished.