LOVE INCLUDES SAYING YOU’RE SORRY

Good or bad, I’m a product of the 70’s…actually graduating from high school in 1971. One of “our” iconic movies was “Love Story” starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw.

A catchphrase made popular from this romantic love story is “love means never having to say sorry”. In its context, movie goers embraced this scripted line, and now some 50 plus years later, those familiar with the film can quote this infamous line without a second thought. As touching as these words are, do they contain truth when it comes to a healthy relationship? In a world within cleverly written movie scripts, perhaps so. In the confines of creating and building healthy relationships between people, no.

Step 8 in the recovery process tells us: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” And, the scripture verse that accompanies this step–often referred to as the “golden rule” comes from Luke 6:30: “Do to others as you would have them do to you”.

Saying “I’m sorry” did not come easy for me from childhood up until I chose to enter the recovery process through Celebrate Recovery. Though I had very loving parents, saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t something that was modeled with great intention. My mom was rather stoic–perhaps due to her German ethnicity–my dad was very easy going and didn’t look for ways to upset anyone whether they be family or friends. So, a simple act of making an apology for things other than bumping into someone in the store, turning away someone trying to purchase a ticket to a sold out performance, was foreign to me.

But, I don’t want to run ahead of Step 8. In this step the person merely makes a “list” of ALL people they know they have harmed and a willingness to apologize. For some, the column of names will be short. Others may be quite extensive. Both are done under the guidance of God’s Holy Spirit. It’s recommended that a person begin compiling their list starting with parents–after all, that’s our point of origin. Then siblings are added, friends, co-workers, employers, teachers, etc. Although this step doesn’t indicate it, in addition to writing down each person’s name and their relationship, we write in another column how we actually harmed them. 

When I was a kid we often barked at someone who had just called us an unpleasant name with “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”. Now that I’m an adult I have come to the reality how absolutely untrue and absurd that statement is when dealing with conflict. When I was in the 5th grade I needed to get eye glasses. Not many others in my grade wore them; I had the unfortunate privilege of being called “four eyes”. It caused embarrassment and anger then and even though years later I’ve had lasik surgery and reduced the power of my prescription for reading glasses alone, my anger from age 10 is a memory and a hurt I’ll not forget. In retaliation, I’m most certain I said my fair share of unkind things to my neighborhood friends and classmates as well. Our childhood experiences take us into adulthood where often we use the same methods of communication in family and/or work relationships. So, as we compile our list of those we have harmed, by being willing to be honest about our own behavior, we are making progress towards our next step which is learning how to properly apologize and “clear the air”, which is Step 9 and the subject of my next column.

An added bonus to this step is learning and accepting to recognize with greater awareness when you have “hurt” someone which puts a damper on your relationship with that person. By recognizing a moment of acting out in a negative character flaw, you can actually make a U-turn and change hurt feelings into reconciliation, healing, and healthier conversations.

Luke’s words that we commonly call the “golden rule” are so easy to hear but I’m willing to wager that most of us have not always put in practice what he’s admonishing us to do when we are with family, friends, co-workers, posting comments on social media, interacting with the public, etc. In his 1988 bid for the U.S. Presidency George H.W. Bush was quoted as calling for a “kinder, gentler nation”. I love that, it exemplifies how I feel and though it’s 36 years later I still remember it was he who spoke them. 

This week, June 11, at Celebrate Recovery we are hosting a BBQ for our group and anyone who’d like to check out the ministry. Our meal begins at 6 pm, followed by several short testimonies from several of our own local  leaders. We are also launching the children’s portion of Celebrate Recovery for ages kindergarten through 5th grade. Parents will remain with the adults while the children enjoy their own lesson and activities. For more information please email: celebraterecovery@fowlervilleub.org 

We meet every Tuesday, at Fowlerville United Brethren in Christ Church, 9300 W. Grand River, Fowlerville.