Last week I wrote about the ability to make a list of every person we had harmed and a willingness to make amends or in other words, apologize to them for your wrongdoings. This week we focus on Step 9 which states: “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”. With our list in hand, some more hard work begins. Along with our “list”, we have another tool to help us when making amends, it’s the gift of grace which comes from God. Grace is a gift, it cannot be bought. It’s freely given by God to you and me. When we offer (give) our amends and expect nothing back, that’s a gift from us to those whom we have hurt.

Making amends can be done in person or in the form of a letter if a relationship is too toxic yet to be face-to-face. In the case of a loved one or friend being deceased, there’s the empty chair method which is sitting across from an empty chair and imagining the person is facing you. Though it may seem awkward or weird to actually talk out loud to someone who is actually not present, there’s power in the process, because when we speak out loud, those things that satan tries to hold over us, has no power because God hears and forgives as we go through the amends process. 

A face-to-face apology simply means taking the time needed to tell the other person you’re sorry for anytime or anything you know hurt them and the relationship.

By writing a letter, you can take time to make simple statements that describe how you’re aware you hurt someone.

When I was ready for Step 9 I actually employed all three approaches when making my amends. Both my parents are deceased, therefore, I used the empty chair method. I have one relationship that is not healthy to this day, so I used a block of time to privately confess to God my own wrongdoings as well as forgive him. I chose to write letters to our children as I knew they both process information best in privacy; I also wrote to my oldest brother with whom I had a troublesome relationship that spanned many years. I was able to talk face-to-face with my second brother and the results were wonderful. No matter the approach taken, we offer our amends without expecting anything in return. Specifically, we don’t want to hear cliche responses like “Oh, you weren’t that bad” or “What you said to me really didn’t hurt me”. 

What we often find in Celebrate Recovery is that most of us weren’t taught how to develop open and honest communication in our relationships. Thus, we often make excuses for someone’s behavior even at the cost of our own feelings. And again, as I stated above with hearing cliche responses, they are defense mechanisms used when a person may be uncomfortable. It’s because “they” may not know how to react or respond due to their own ways of dealing with tough stuff.

This is why I love Celebrate Recovery. It has helped me develop my own “voice” in ways that are real, open, and laced with grace. For many things I may have let slide over the years, I’ve learned I can say “no” or “please don’t say or do that” and not feel guilty about how the other person feels. For instance, for whatever reason, I do not like the nickname Suzy-Q. You can call me Sue, Susie, or Suz but I detest Suzy-Q. For a long time if someone called me that, I’d merely ignore it and continue the conversation or change the subject. Now when it happens, I graciously say “please don’t call me that, it’s a nickname I have never enjoyed”. No one has ever misunderstood or questioned my request.

Going back to how our amends can either be acknowledged or ignored, one of my greatest gifts from making amends came from my oldest brother whom I had written to as part of my inventory. He never mentioned my letter when we chatted on the phone or saw each other at family parties. Several years ago he became very ill and in the course of three months a rare form of brain cancer took his life. I cherish the afternoon I spent alone with him in his room where he was under care. He couldn’t carry on much conversation as he was heavily medicated for pain. But, there was a moment where Dave reached his hand out to mine, held tightly and whispered “I love you”. At that moment, I knew that we were “good”. God’s grace had been poured out into the room making reconciliation complete.

In the Book of Matthew we read from chapter 5 verses 23-24 these words: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”. As always, when we see the word “therefore”, it’s beneficial to read the verses that come before the content. In prior verses, Matthew has recorded what Jesus had to say about dealing with anger in relationships. The entire chapter is worth reading and I encourage you to do so!

Finally, an ongoing benefit of making amends for our past wrongdoings, lays a new foundation moving forward in all of our relationships. The ability to quickly apologize and say I’m sorry in the moment, far outweighs ignoring our actions and believing to let them go unattended. Again–and I cannot stress or encourage this trait too much–the ability to be open and honest in our relationships is SO healthy for all concerned regardless if it’s our spouse, children, family members, employers or co-workers, even complete strangers!

Once you have completed Step 9 you will experience a new freedom and a new happiness. You will comprehend the word serenity and know peace!